Applying

I hate pretty much all applications, but I think fellowship applications top the list--partly because at this point in my educational career, the people against whom I am competing for these fellowships are Very Impressive Indeed, and although I don't want to compete against the alarmingly qualified and terrifying Them, I do want money to finish my dissertation and be done with that business. The other reason fellowship applications are awful is that one is forced to sound as Very Impressive as possible, whilst one is increasingly convinced of one's inadequacy generally (and especially against the imagined competition).

The fellowship application that I hope is that last I submit as a doctoral candidate* is due tomorrow. It has been especially fussy, with seven online pages of details, asking for things like a description of my commitment to women's activities and organizations and of awards I've won. This one is also unique in that it charges a $40 submission fee, which is particularly ironic, I think, given that one must also provide a "clear statement of financial need." I've already spent close to $30 on postage and transcripts from all my graduate work.

Siiiiiiigh.

*Assuming I can actually finish the degree, I am sure that this will not be my last fellowship application, because it just doesn't stop. I've somehow selected a career path that seems to involve asking for money, and other things, all the time, because there is no money in the field. There was some, and still is for those who got in about 40 years ago, but the rest is gone.